Happy Camper

Today I was very mad because I ripped my pants (Spongebob). After ripping my pants I was very embarrassed because people kept looking at it and laughing. During this time I realized that my whole life I have lived to make people happy. Not necessarily what makes us both happy, but if that person is ok, then I'm ok. Sometimes I felt hurt when people don't work half as hard as me to make me happy. I put people's feelings before mines, which influences how I act, how I look, and what I do. The other day I learned that we can't count on other people to make us happy, we should find inner peace. I always felt that my place on this earth was to make everybody happy, and that i will be happy because I succeeded. I guess doing this made me a weak person because I never stood on a ground of what I felt was right, or what I liked, if I felt that people would look at me weird, or not accept me. I tell people that they shouldn't worry about people's opinion, because somebody who can't stand for something, will fall for anything. I sometimes make it seem like I am happy so that everybody can stay happy. Why don't I feel like a happy camper right now?...

Trust

(ICON: Mi nd mi bianca. one uv di onli ppl dat dont judge meh)

Trust is a big thing for me, especially since I am so gullable. I trust people too easily, and I end up being very vulnerable to people who try to hurt me at times. My uncle once told me that the people that you trust the most, are the ones that can hurt you the most. I'm scared to tell people everything, especially when I know that it can come around and hurt me in the long run. I haven't been hurt alot in life by the people that I trust, but I still have been hurt a couple of times in my life. I see to often two-faced people who go around sharing other people's deepest secrets that they share in confidentiality. I can tell the honest truth that I have never put all my trust in a person, because in the world that we are living now, I am asking for way too much. If I expect less from somebody, then when they go beyond my expectations I will be suprised. But if I expect too much, and they don't come through for me, I am going to feel a lil uneasy and heartbroken (Learned this from Anna). I never told a person everything that I feel or do because I am scared of rejection or being alone in the long run. Not all of my inner deep feelings are going to be told, especially since I known it will hurt some of the people I tell. With time comes experience and with experience comes a wise man...

Ticket!!!!!!!!

UGHHHHHHHHHH today was going mad good, until I got on the 5 train. I was on the basketball scoring on my son Ku$h, so I was kind of hype. I entered the 5 train laughin at my son Gbaby who was all up into these two girls conversation. Then I was getting ready to get off the train so I can get the B41 at Nostrand, so I walked between cars, so I can get off faster. The bad thing is that I didnt notice that a stupid fat white officer was watching me. The train was about to stop, and I saw him coming closer to me. So I was like he probably was just taking the train just like everybody else, but when the train stopped he asked if I can take the seat. Then the stupid officer going to ask me if I don't see the signs that says "DO NOT RIDE BTWN CARS", so I said sorry thinking that he would have sympathy on me, but he didnt!smh. He had me sitting down for like ten minutes just looking at my curls and watching me, before he decided to write the ticket. Everybody was grilling me, and I felt like a friggin criminal. Then when he gave me the ticket I saw that it was for a whoppin $75!! I couldn't believe it, then he tried to connect with me, talking about he really didn't want to give me the ticket, but Transit is coming down on NYPD. I wasn't buying it so I just left.

Sunday, April 26th

Today was ODEE hot for no reason. I was getting annoyed with every little thing. I went to church, youth group, then hung out with MY Krystyna (Highlight uv mi dai!!!). We had mad fun, she mad cool. While giving adive to a friend today, I realized that if we hold back a little part of ourselves in relationships, the severity of heart breaks will not be the bad. If we "front" just a little bilt, it will help keep the other partner in check. I may be wrong but that is just how I feel. I also recognize that I am attracted to all girls in some way, shape or form. Which is very wierd, because I don't understand how that is possible. Not saying that I like all girls, but I am attracted to all girls. Haha I laugh at this, because this makes me sound like a jerk, or a player, which I am not. But that is how life goes.. I am going to roll with the punches....

Family

(Auntie Colleen, Grandma, Auntie Collette)
I can honestly say that I am alone in my family. I don't connect or relate to anybody in my family. It is not even my fault. Hatred, jealousy, and grudges cause me to be by myself. I have six brothers and sisters, but I dont get to talk to them really because they don't get along with my parents. So when I need help with girls, I can't go to my big sisters. When I was younger in school, I use to hear the kids talk about how they was going to get their big brother to beat up a kid for them, and I hated it. I always held this against my parents. They never tried hard enough for me to have a great relationship with my siblings. My family is so disfunctional. I know no family is perfect, but I just want an ok family. I never cry at funerals, because I am truly not close any of my family members. I am alone in the Haynes family. Sometimes I truly do feel lonely, because when you can't trust friends, you can always trust family. But what if you have none?

Taken for granted

There are alot of people that are in my life that I take for granted, or who I took for granted and they are now gone. Why is that we truly discover the importance of someone or something when it is gone? Why do we choose to fill our hearts with grudges and malice but when the time come for that thing to leave, we cry? Too many people walk in and out of my life, and I am not emotionally stable. If I learned this lesson earlier I would of appreciated my auntie, my two grandpas and friends. I am tired of losing people, but that is just something I truly can't control. The only thing that I can honestly control is the how I treat them, and the amount of appreciation I show them. The great Mr. West once told me "People like to get roses while they can still smell them". I am thankful for everything and everyone in my life. This topic came to me out of no where, but I wanted something you can connect with. Everybody loses someone, and regrets things they wish they would've and could've done.

Lonely

Have you ever watched a couple and wondered why you single. You start to reminisce on your past relationships and wonder what if you haven't been stubborn that 1 time? what would have happen if you would've let her win that argument? what we would've been if I just loved you more? Life is so confusing like you know where you wanna go, but you don't know where your going? I think the problem with boys like me who are feeling what I feel, is that we are looking for that perfect girl. We want to have a girl on a pedistle because we are truly insecure about our own imperfectness. I don't take the time to realize that eveybody has faults. This is why I never have a long relationship. I can't go past 3 months, for the simple fact that when I see a fault in my partner, I leave them, which is not fair. I have faults, and I expect her to overcome it, but I dont do the same for her . The true beauty comes when you realize that not everybody is perfect, and when you over come it. I take past relationships as a lesson learned, and the next girl will understand....

Bio

My name is Michael George Haynes. I blessed this world on the date of August 10th 1992. I am down to eart, passionate, driven, and fun to be around. My background is both Indian and Jamaican. I am a Christian, who was baptized when he was 12. I love to dance, rap, sing, and make people smile. I sometimes put people feelings before myself, but it is just who I am. I am a very open person, and have a hard time with trusting people to much. I am gullable to alot of things in life, which makes me vulnerable. I am stubborn and dont listen to what anybody got to say, because at the end of the day I have to do me. I dont want to give it all wai so keep posted...